During a counselling session a while ago, a young female client looked at me with a quizzical look and said, "I told my boyfriend that you wear hearing aids and yet you seem to be the only person ever to have heard me!"
It seems to me that this illustrates perfectly the difference between hearing and listening. Having severe hearing loss in both ears, I need some pretty expensive technology to help me hear clearly which, thanks to our dear old NHS, I have. But that's only half of it. In order to "hear the other" I have to "listen", to give that person my undivided attention and to switch off the noises of prejudice and preconception in my own head.
Paradoxically, in counselling, listening actually involves some speaking. Not in an uncontrolled way and not with the intention of imposing your own thoughts or seeking those moments of gratification that you get when chatting with friends, but to explore the thoughts, ideas and fears of your client. The mutual, intersubjective understanding that arises from this is the bedrock of the counselling relationship in which trust and attunement develop allowing the client to feel heard. This, then, allows the client to feel safe enough to explore the roots of their unhappiness. Over time, this act of listening is experienced as therapeutic and allows the client to heal.
What I have learned from this is that listening is really an act of loving kindness and that when talking to friends and family if you take the time to listen, you may hear so much more and may even find it deepens your relationships.
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